Chasing Dragonflys

I have a long history of serial monogomies.  All with boys and men who seem to be the same one over and over. (pattern? hmmm) Looking back, I have consistently chosen the most spoiled, distant, controlling males I could find! (Keep in mind that I didn’t “put out” until I was 20 and out of school – I was too paranoid of pregnancy and diseases. So almost all these guys were needing cold showers LOL)

I hope that some of my mistakes will help others see their patterns and break them before they encounter a true abuser, like I did.  I am just thankful I woke up before I or my son got hurt.

Now, where to begin…

PAUL  in 7th grade.  I don’t think I ever loved him. I was way too young.  He was the son of  a single mother, and we were way to young for anything other than kissing, which I did’nt want him to do because I thought it was wet and sloppy!  LOL  He moved to Florida in 8th grade.

LENNY in 9th grade.  Again son of a single mother.  I had him running scared, because I DID fall in love with him and he could’nt handle it (still too young) so that faded away.

TRENTON in 10th grade.  Don’t remember if his parents were married.  He was a bad boy and into the heavy metal.  I was totally intimidated by him.  He was maybe a little TOO dangerous. LOL  It didn’t last long.

DAVE in 12th grade.  He was already graduated and working at Stop & Shop as a stock boy.  Later, I found out he drank alot. He scared the crap out of me one time when we had a fight in his car and he punched the rearview mirror and broke it off.  A very angry, high strung person. I went to prom with him, and he ruined it because he got mad and accused me wanting to break up but only still going with him to have a date for prom (I also had a really bad cold – not fun).  I didn’t but had bad feelings about him, so not too soon after graduation a month later, I broke it off.  Years later I heard from a friend he was heavily into drugs.  (I am kinda not suprised)

RUSS (1991) very brief  dating – he had a jeep, was a blond surfer type and HOT!  I felt out of my league.  Another son of a single mom.  Very flighty, but nice to look at.

CHRIS (1991-1996) My first REAL boyfriend. We lost our virginities together.  We were 20 (old compared to today’s standards – I was a prude).  He was a spoiled mama’s boy, very selfish, picked on me about my weight. ( I am 5’7 and weighed 180 – not that overweight!!) The 1st year was great, then he went to college in Boston.  We were long distance for 4 more years.  I don’t know why.  The every 2 weekend flings were hot and I missed him when he was away.  He also promised me we would get married after he graduated.  He met someone else when he went on a trip to France with school, came back and told me he didn’t feel the same anymore. Long distance relationships just don’t work.

JIM (1997) weird seaplane pilot I met when working at a charter airline.  He didn’t believe in marriage and I thought I was in love with him.  He broke up with me, but then we became friends with benefits.  Very weird relationship.

Another CHRIS (1998) a very skittish seaplane pilot who wanted just to be friends because he was probably not that into me (I was infatuated though.  He was unavailable and I was going to convince him he loved me.  didn’t work out. ) What can I say, I was chasing him and he kept running.

SAM (same year) another pilot.  We had a very steamy, very brief fling.  It was all infatuation.  I knew from the start he was not for me. He was totally hot and very sweet, but he moved to the Maldive Islands to fly seaplanes for tourists, so – sigh – it was not to be.

My first X TONY (1999-2002) We met at the charter airline too.  The funny thing is that I knew him in high school.  He was a long-haired bad boy who liked my artwork (we never dated though).  We met again when he was weighing the aircraft I did the maintenance records on.  He SEEMED  really nice.  We both still lived with our parents (weird I know I was 28 when I moved out – my mom didnt want me or my sis to leave) so we never had a real sense of each other before we got married.  He was very old school italian (his parents barely spoke english)  He was controlling and emotionally abusive. The marriage lasted 2 years.

BILL (2003) another weird guy who only wanted to be friends (with benefits).  I fell for him hard and he only wanted casual.  He was an EMT going to school for Nurse Practitioner degree, so I guess I can see how he didn’t want long term with 4 years of school ahead of him (in his 30s).  He always said he wanted to get married and have kids “someday”.  We went to some cool places and went to a Woodstock kind of camping weekend/concert.  I had a lot of fun with him, but again he wasn’t that into me.  Then I met the last X.

Finally, TOM (2003 – 2008) my last X and the father of my son Hunter.  Again I thought he was nice but a little weird.  His parents are married, but his mother is the submissive little wife and his father is ex-military and very dominating.  He and his sister obviously never got much attention when growing up.  They look for it constantly from their parents and never get it.  My X took after his emotionally abusive father, but I refused to be like his mother and roll over and take it.  He started drinking heavily and getting more and more verbally abusive when I decided to leave.  He had threatened to send “his boys” after me a few times (to beat me up I presume) and always threatened to kick me out or leave and take Hunter with him, etc.   It was becoming very scary.  The second marriage lasted about 2 years as well.  One thing I can say about myself is that if things go bad, I will NOT stick around very long and take it.

SO, think I need therapy?  Ya, me too.  I attract weirdos, abusers and controllers.  I don’t know why yet.