A Poem about Autism that I found online – For my Little Hunter

My little boy, this love of mine, Does not know how to say;

Please give me room for every time, my words get in the way.

You would not know by passing by, The struggles everyday:

But try to look him in the eye, You’ll see it in his face.

And just because he doesn’t hug you, Or kiss you hi and bye;

Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, Please just give him time!

Through all the tantrums, fights and tears, I look at him and see;

A little boy with tons of fears, Who strives for normalcy.

Of course he sees he’s different, But he just can’t see why;

Everybody’s time is spent, Trying to make him ‘right’.

Open up your heart and mind, And just watch quietly;

You’ll see a boy who’s really trying, Just wants to be happy.

I know sometimes he’ll yell and scream, He simply cannot say;

He is not trying to be mean, Things have to be his way.

All he can say is ‘It’s not right’, Sometimes it seems unreal;

He can’t express though try he might, To tell you how he feels.

I know that he repeats himself, And sometimes others too;

Believe me that does really help, Anxiety to be removed.

So please be patient and be kind, Love him everyday;

I know in your heart you will find, A place for him always.

He is my special, beautiful boy, Whom I love endlessly;

He is my gift, my love, and my joy, He’s everything to me.

 

My baby is miserable….his father is abusing him

Hunter has been getting WORSE with school, tantruming, just being angry, etc. and he can finally express to us why.  Late last month, he told his teacher and then repeated it to me that “daddy puts me in holds and hurts me” ” he yells all the time” “he hits me and closes me in my room”.  It took a while to get all of this put together….he still struggles with using his words.  The DCF is involved now and investigating the X and Hunter is starting therapy as well.  I contacted a lawyer to get the visitation and custody changed….this is what I was dreading in my heart, that the X was hurting my son, but now after 3 LONG YEARS, he can finally tell us what is going on there so we can put a stop to it!!!  I am so angry and upset, and depressed and anxious for my son, what he has to go through when he sees him, and its ALOT! 2x a week 530-8pm and every other weekend 6pm friday to 6pm sunday.  Its the weekends when all this happens.

It cannot go fast enough…I just want to keep him home with me and not let him see the X at all, but I have to be patient and gather my evidence, the schools records of this, the psychiatrists reports, the 4 C’s (Coordinating council for children in crisis) and DCF (if they find anything….i dont know, because the X is very sneaky and charming when he wants to be, I seriously doubt they will find anything at the house).  It kills me to make him go with him all the time. Hunter cries, begs and pleads with me not to make him see daddy.  It breaks my heart and makes me wish very bad things on the X.  I just hope I can get the court to see what is being done to my sweet little boy and making him into a sullen, angry, aggressive, withdrawn child.

Do any of you out there have any experience with any of this???  I am at a total loss for what to do…I just hope all the people that are involved can help me and my son before something major happens

 

My Band is done!

I’m healing up nice and quick!  I had my band placed on 10/21.  The post op pain was not bad except for the SEVERE gas pains from the air they pump into the abdomen during surgery  it lasted for about 5 days (OUCH)  but its better now thank god.  I have my first Post-op appt. today and will be going from a high protein liquid diet to hopefully baby food or soft food diet.  (It should be no problem, I’ve had no issues with nausea or anything!) I think I have already lost about 20lbs and I feel great!  I think this will be the best thing I have ever done for myself and getting slim and healthy.  Maybe soon I can interview for jobs and not feel like a fat pig trying to fit into a world of slim cats

We had a crazy snow storm here in the northeast last weekend!  Lots of trees down and no power for a while. I had to help my Dad out with moving branches and stuff and over did it some (being only 7 days post op) but he has no one else to help.  It felt good to get outside and do something physical despite the sore muscles.

Here are some recent pics from Halloween fun and the snow!

 

Hunter and his friend from school

10/29/11

Oh how I love my little silly boy….he makes my life so happy  More soon…..

 

 

MEOW

Im in a soft, warm, cozy fuzzy kitty kinda mood tonite, so I wanna share some of my favorite cat pics that i have on my PC.

Enjoy the purrrssss

AHHHHH i feel better, kitties are my cozy place.  They just make me smile

 

Could I be on the Spectrum?

I have just taken several tests and I think I need to see someone and see if my findings are true…According to the tests, I may have high functioning Autism like my son or Aspergers syndrome.  It would certainly answer lots of questions of why I was always painfully shy and socially awkward my whole life and perferred to be alone instead of with other people and friends.

I’m not sure who to call or where to start to get a diagnosis though…..hmmmm I have some research to do.   This could also explain why I “get” my son so well and others dont seem to.   Anyone else out there on the spectrum diagnosed as an adult?

Hunter not wanting me to take the Chipmunk's picture

 

I am not so good at this…

I am the first to admit, writing is a challenge for me.  I don’t do it very often even though many people say its great therapy to get stuff off your chest.  Reading back in my posts, I am thinking……..WOW I whine ALOT!  But my life has been very challenging these last few years.  I read other blogs and I am struck by true courage and grace and compassion whereas here, its just my place to put my secret anger, fear and frustration and sometimes joy.

I have not chosen JOY in my life thus far….and I don’t know why.  My disease is not nearly as advanced as some, I have a wonderful son, loving family great friends and a roof over my head.  So why can’t I see all of this?  Why do I dwell on the negative and get all angsty and rebellious?  I dont know.

The date for my Lap-band surgery is getting closer – within the next 3-4 weeks.  I can’t wait to lose this weight.  I need more energy, less pain so I can exercise, less depression, lesss……of me! LOL

It really amazes me that anyone actually reads/follows my blog….and its an unexpected good feeling to know people out there maybe understand a little of why I am the way I am.  I am still trying to figure it out myself.

I am very random today so I am gonna post some random pictures I like too…

 

 

 

Long busy summer

Wow, I haven’t written here since May??   Well, I have been very busy helping my sister with her 2 boys (almost 5 yrs and 11 mos.) and keeping busy with my son.  Still unemployed and getting really nervous….it runs out in January! I really don’t know what I am going to do if I dont find something before then……welfare???? OMG, i never thought i would have to even THINK that word :-O  It sends shudders down my spine :’-(

I am going to finally get my Lap Band placed at the end of September.  I am very excited that I can finally be at a normal weight within a year!  Its been a LONG time coming and my state health ins. will actually cover it!  It will help me get a job too, I know people are prejudiced against overweight people, and it will be one less thing to hold me back in my life.

My son, who is now 5 yrs old, will be starting Kindergarten in the Fall.  I cant believe my baby is 5 already….I hope he will do well in a main stream class with only a couple therapy sessions a week…we will see and I will post more on that when he starts.

I also just turned 39 :-p  My last year of my 30s, Sad kinda, but refuse to feel old yet…. we will see what the next year brings LOL

 

 

A story…

This is my story for a campaign for spreading awareness of Ankylosing Spondylitis.   And the artwork I sent with it.  We had to make an apple with something to do with the disease.

I am a 38 year old (currently unemployed) single mother of my 4.5 yr old son Hunter. I was diagnosed in January of 2009 through  the Rheumatologist my Mom goes to who also has AS (diagnosed 1995).  She has both hips and knees replaced and has lots of trouble with her eyes and lungs due to AS.  I am hoping that since I was diagnosed at a much younger age, I can possibly avoid so many problems.

At first the doc didn’t think I had AS, but after blood tests (I am HLA-B27 positive) and full body scan showing lots of inflammation in my lumbar back and pelvis, I was able to get diagnosed and start Enbrel in February of 2009.  So my therapy is Lexapro 20mg daily and Enbrel 50 mg once a week.  I also go to aqua therapy at a local rehab center and it does help with my pain and stiffness.  BUT – I still have lots of pain in my neck, right shoulder (injury in 2006 from carrying too much baby stuff) lower back, both hips, knees and feet.  I am hoping working out in the pool will help me get some strength back and maybe lessen the pain.

The Rheum. and my family doc think my symptoms were triggered by my son’s birth in 2006, after which I had lots of pain in my feet, knees, hips, lower back, neck and shoulders that never went away.  I descended into post-partum depression that was not treated until 2009 due to an unsupportive, verbally & mentally abusive husband who I divorced in May 2009.  My son, who has high functioning Autism is my greatest joy and my greatest challenge.  I tend to have flare ups when he tantrums a lot and has lots of trouble with his father.  He does NOT like his father at all.  He is only 4 and already tells me “Daddy is mean all the time, I don’t like him, I want him to be lost.”  It breaks my heart to have to force him to go with him 2 evenings a week and every other weekend.

Having so much stress in my life does not help with my AS at all.  I am also trying very hard to find a job (I worked as an Administrative Assistant in both a Medical and Aviation setting).  I have been unemployed since January 2009.  My benefits run out this January and I am getting scared!  If the economy does not pick up soon, I don’t know how I will be able to make ends meet.  I am very thankful that my son and I am living with my parents, otherwise.  They took us in and are my god-send.

My son and I are a team and we help each other cheer up on difficult days with tickles and sillyness building with lots of legos!  I hope you all have enjoyed hearing my story.

 

Another year

Just realized I have been blogging for 2 years now this month!  Wow, I wish my life was in a better place by now, but it is improving by tiny fractions anyway….. I just really hope that by this time next year I have a good paying  job and an apartment for just me and my little boy

 

Seeing a break in the fog

 

I have been away for a long time, thinking, increasing meds and I finally am feeling better but still unemployed and feeling mostly annoyed by that fact >:-(

I have still not had ONE interview in over a year.  Many people tell me this is not uncommon right now with the economy how it is, but it sure makes you feel like — worthless!  Anyway, my son is doing much better and likes his school, even rides the bus in the morning now even though I feel he is so young to be on the bus…..sigh my little boy is growing so quick, Kindergarten next year ! :-O

His father continues to be a SOB, now since he is potty trained, the X has found new things to bitch about.  Now he is pushing that Hunter needs to dress himself with no help (Autism??? helloooo!!!) he is getting better, but still needs my help with his shirt but the X is not happy unless he makes my son miserable so he is forcing him – as always >:-(

The weekends with the X are still full of stress for Hunter, he always comes home at his breaking point and immediately has a HUGE meltdown when he comes home. :’-(  I just hold him and tell him, he is home now, Mommy is here, Its ok and after about an hour, he is better and can play and eat some dinner.  I just burns me up to see my child go through this every other week!

But other than that, my outlook is improving with an adjustment to my meds.  Spring is coming too, which is even better!  All of the 3 feet of snow we got in the northeast this winter is finally almost gone!  It was a crazy winter and now I am looking forward to warm days, flowers, and getting back into hiking and walking, it sux being snowbound.  I need to seriously take off some pounds this year.  I feel like a hippo :-p  I wonder if my state insurance would cover the Lapband………sigh

I just can’t wait to get out into the sun again and breathe the fresh air of spring.

 

I still got nothing

No job, no prospects – this economy is making me crazy. I am so lost and confused. I have no purpose, but my son keeps me centered, HE is my purpose. I just hope I am doing right by him. I am not the happiest Mom, but I hope I am……..enough. U know?

SIGH — more later…..

 

THRILLER!

Anyone who remembers this video in their youth, please comment, and tell me your memories.  Also, the movie 13 going on 30 really brought back all the fun of the 80′s – I miss those carefree days…..

 

My all time favorite Halloween video!  RIP – MJ

 

So, where have I been?

Doing lots of thinking and hiding and still trying to find a job.  Its easy to hide from the world when you have no money…. I am just living day to day with not much direction or ambition.  My son starts his classes for autistic kids tomorrow – I hope he has a better year.  He didn’t like his teachers last year and some of the kids were very stressful for him (one boy screamed all the time) he will be going longer 830 – 145 so I think less transitions will do him good  :-)

I spend all my time on facebook and playing games these days….to give myself a break from job hunting.   I try hard to keep busy getting together with my friends, but sometimes its hard to drag myself there.  Do any of you know what I’m talking about?  The urge to hole up and stay in your cocoon?

My little boy is 4 now…seems weird, he is growing and changing so fast.  This post is all rambling thoughts, but that is how my mind is lately – random.  Will I even know what to do in a job when I get one?  Its been so long, I don’t know what a routine is anymore.  The older I get, the more rebellious I get.  I don’t like people telling me what to do (bosses especially) I dont know why I am like that, it interferes with jobs sometimes…..sigh  that and I am terminally late all the time.  I hate mornings, hate getting up early for some crappy job I hate…I just wish I could get a job I actually LIKE.

Maybe then I will feel like I have purpose on this earth.  My son has helped me with that, he is my reason now.  I just want to feel like I make a difference.

Lots of random stuff swimming in my head – gotta figure this stuff out…

 

Oh I almost forgot

Remember the guy that was interested that I was friends with?  Didn’t work.  I felt nothing for him.  I think he felt ALOT more but I don’t want to know that.  I’m such a shmuck.  Don’t know what I was thinking.  I should know by now that my guy-dar is totally smashed to bits with no recovery, don’t know why I keep trying to use it!!!!!  I should’ve just kept him as a friend and left it at that.

SIGH – whatever…

 

Another chapter for lost in the fog…

Well, here I am again…miserable as always.  The X is keeping me with no money, I am overdrawn in my acct.  at least once a week.  I just got approved for State Med. Insurance for me and my son, which would be good if not for ZERO of my doctors take state ins. (my son’s ped. does thank Goddess for tiny miracles)

My PCP, and most importantly my Rheumatologist don’t however…so now I have to find someone halfway decent for myself somehow.  Every single day brings more and more chaos and upset.  Oh ya and STILL not even a call back from ANY resumes that I have sent.  >:-(   Looks like I’m gonna be a career bum living with my parents, fat and miserable…..forrrrevvveerrrrrrrrrrr

I seriously need to get a psychiatrist not just a social worker, she did nothing for me.  I need new meds very soon… Oh Goddess, please help, I am lost in the fog again

 

Panic

I am out of money, again.   My ex is late with the child support, also crying poor.  He is unemployed too.  I am in the red in my checking account and its giving me an anxiety attack!!!  I hate money sooo much, it is nothing but trouble.

I don’t wanna tell the parents, because they will lecture me up one side and down the other about all my failures and faults…..

Just when I think things will be ok, the the shit hits teh fan again.    I just hope that i can make ends meet and not be overdrawn all the time!  Banks dont get it that if you wanna have people not be overdrawn, u cant keep piling charge after charge on top of them!   GRRRRRR

im gonna go take a xanax….

 

Its been a really long time…..again

Man, I have really neglected my blog as of late.  Things are better and worse.  The X is being civil for the most part lately.  I have been crashing again.  I wanted to get Lap-band surgery done and get this - my parents said NO!  Don’t u love it??? its like I’m 16 again.  They think they can rule my life now because I am unemployed and live with them. >:-( 

The X took me to court and reduced the child support he pays AGAIN.  From 252 a week down to 188.  He is unemployed now too. great, right? 

The court system sux.  I still have the same bills for me and my son. THey don’t go away, but HE gets to get out of his responsibility even more.  And I bet u a million dollars that he doesn’t tell me when he gets a job, so he doesn’t have to go back to paying more…..

My depression comes and goes – its easier if I keep myself so busy with my son and my friends that I don’t have a lot of time to think.  I have been living with my parents 2 years in august. dam – i cant believe what a loser I am.  A fat failure with no prospects for anything better.  No job nibbles at all, not even an interview.

I just keep getting more and more annoyed with my mother’s controlling.  Everything has to be her way or she naggs u till u crack!!  ANd she accuses me of being crabby all the time, GEE I WONDER WHY!!

On a lighter note, a friend I have been hanging out with for over a year has expressed interest in seeing me romantically.  I think I might consider it.  I would like to have someone to snuggle with and maybe other things down the road.  i have not told anyone  yet, least of all my parents.  My track record with relationships is 0-2.  So, maybe if I try something with a computer geek instead of good looking bad boys, I might find  something real.  I am very cautious now and gunshy, so we will see what happens.  One thing for sure, NO MORE MARRIAGE!!!! EVER!!!!

My family is very prejudiced in some areas and I cringe at the thought of them judging me again……he is heavy too.  I know my mother will start teh lectures about weight again and how being around him won’t help me…bla bla bla….bite me. >:-(

sigh – i guess thats it for now…

 

A big difference

My son has shown a big improvement in his speech and is starting to play a little with other kids instead of ignoring them.  The program through the public school in my area is awesome!  I can’t thank them enough for what they have already accomplished with him.  I can’t wait to see what the next year brings for my baby.    You can’t imagine how the weight is lifting from my heart knowing that he is joining the world more. 

 

I will protect him for as long as I can and watch him grow.  He is like a kitten in the sun with so much potential and happiness.  I will do my very best to see my baby has a happy childhood and adulthood too :-)

 

1 year later

On March 13th, it will be my 1 year anniversary for my blog!  It has been a long year and I am glad I finally have some answers to my problems.  I will do a more extensive “year in review” next week. I wanna go thru my archives and see what I wrote. Y’all are welcome to read as well.

 

Meds approved

The ins. company finally approved the medicine and told me I have to go thru the mail order place.  It is a specialty med, so they dont have it in pharmacies. joy.  Still don’t know how much it will cost me, they can’t tell me yet. (insert expletive here) grrrr  and the closer it gets, I am getting nervous about the injection and the “rare” side effects like lymphoma!!!!!     just pray to all the gods who will listen that it never comes to pass……I need to be here for my son for another 70 years at least LOL

Well, wish me luck that the meds aren’t too expensive and i respond to them with no side effects.  I wanna run and play with my son with no pain.  That is what i need to focus on.  I think I see light starting to come thru the fog I have been in.  AND spring is getting closer, its March already!!